Are you listening?

Are you listening?

Real listening can make all the difference to our partners, families and friends. But do we really know how to listen or how to ensure we are heard? Expert listener Chris Brock, head of Epilepsy Society's Helpline, explains.

Listening isn’t always as simple as it seems. Our own fears can get in the way. How is the listener going to deal with whatever is said? Could it upset them or you? Will you get it wrong and make things worse? Is someone really offering to listen, or just being kind?

Achieving the balance between listening, hearing and responding is a skill. Simply being genuinely interested, relaxed and trying to understand the person’s meaning can help them feel safe and heard.

Giving all your attention to someone is a powerful experience. When someone feels listened to, it enables them to think, to express what it is that is worrying them, to offload thoughts and emotions, or start to unravel complicated situations. Listening helps them find answers that 
are right for them and to solve their own problems.

Blocked emotions stop people thinking clearly, so allowing someone to express painful emotions can free up their thinking and give them the ability to find solutions they couldn’t think of before.

Our thought speed is faster than our speech speed, so we can be tempted to finish someone’s sentence for them or to fill in the spaces with our own words rather than listening to what the other person has to say. We may think that we know better than them and give advice about what we would do in their situation. This can be very undermining.

‘Silent’ is an anagram of 'listen'

One key aspect to listening is believing in the other person – knowing and trusting that they are capable of making decisions for themselves about their own situation. You are there to offer them time and space for reflection and to share often difficult thoughts. It is not our responsibility to own their problems, imply that they can’t cope and to rob them of the chance to find the best solutions for themselves. So the key is to be quiet and just listen.

How to listen

• Remove all distractions. Give the person your full attention. Turn off the tv and mobile phone. Stop talking! It is impossible to listen and talk at the same time.
• Being relaxed yourself will help the other person relax as well.
  Show the person that you want to hear what they say.
• When listening try to get an understanding of the bigger picture.
• Show you understand what they are saying by stating back to them what you have heard using the same language that they have used.
• Be patient, leave lots of spaces for the person to have ‘thinking’ space.
• When emotions are being expressed try to stay calm. The emotions are theirs not yours, but be aware of how they are affecting you.
• Ask occasional questions encouraging them to say more, or ask them to explain if something is unclear.
• Respect their confidence. If you are not sure what is ok to talk about afterwards, ask them when they have finished.
• Honour their trust in you!

Epilepsy Society Helpline

Epilepsy Society's confidential helpline offers:

• a completely confidential service
• the chance to ask questions
• emotional support
• up-to-date information
• and time to talk (translation service available)

The helpline was awarded the Quality Assurance mark from the Telephone Helpline Association in October 2008.

Epilepsy Society Helpline
01494 601 400
Monday – Friday, 10am – 4pm (national call rate)